My sponsor asked me to write about “my history with food,” however it might come out, freestyle. So, I journaled for about an hour, writing six or so pages.
It was truly enlightening. I realized that my use of food as love and as a numbing agent was learned at a very young age (probably when I was 5 or 6) when my mother began baking treats to compensate for both the traumatic family event we were going through and to compensate for the time we spent separated.
According to some of my memories, a year or so later I began sneaking food. Imagine that, sneaking food at night while in Elementary School!
I can remember having actual hardcore binges while in Middle School. From early Middle School onward, I packed on the pounds. Forget about when I got my own car – that was when eating fast food on the sly became a daily habit.
Not even gastric bypass could save me from the vicious cycle I was on. Since having surgery many years ago, I’ve gained back almost all of the weight that I lost. I regret ever having that surgery. Not only am I left with ongoing health problems directly related to the surgery, but I am angry at myself for now realizing how pointless gastric bypass is because it never addressed my relationship with food or my emotional eating.
For the majority of my life, I’ve been grabbing something to eat to make myself feel better or numb out (mask) what I am beginning to feel. I’m not sure how to handle my feelings without food, and believe me, when abstinent the feelings feel twenty times stronger.
I think I’ll begin making a list of things that I can do or techniques that I can use as an alternative to eating in emotional moments. This might sound weird, but I think making this list is going to be harder than I think.
Figuring Me Out 