The Black Hole

I have just gone through my fourth black hole, as I like to refer to them.  Times where I am so into beating myself up, getting to into my head, and eating horribly that I oftentimes think there is no end to the darkness.

I’m always wrong. I always see some light… it usually comes in the revalation of what I am doing that is not healthy… the light is something I haven’t seen before. It’s new.  I don’t hear the voice yet… the voices I hear are still those of family telling me bad things, giving unsolicited negative comments, or telling me to pull it together and not feel what I’m feeling because it’s simply not acceptable to feel or show emotions.

The thing I like is that my black holes (sort of like tunnels) are getting shorter and shorter in length and time.  I am at my worst – binging, negative thinking, self-destructive behaviors. But, there is always an end. An out.  Relief.

The relief is becoming longer and longer. The tunnels – shorter and shorter.

I always thought I was so wierd to be going through this and realized only this past week that this is totally normal.  Many compulsive overeaters and addicts go through this very same thing, over and over… until the black holes (“tunnels”) are almost as short as the relief – – and from that point onward – relief comes on a daily basis.

I am so happy to have the fellowship of my friends who struggle like I do.  I’m new at program, and many times, feel I cannot do it alone.  The only thing that gets me through is knowing that they have walked the path long before me, can guide me, and have been successful.

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Eat More?

As recommended by OA and in line with OA tradition, I went to see a nutritionist today.  I wanted to get a professional opinion on what the food plan I created for myself should look like.  I wondered how far off I was from what I should be doing, after all I compiled my food plan from a variety of sources, plans, and my own thought of what nutrition was.

Well, was I way off.  The nutritionist brought me from 1,400/cal/day to 2,100/cal/day.  She explained to me in detail how she derived this number which was personalized for my exact weight, height, age, fat percentage, basal metabolic rate, etc.  I finally had an understanding of the physiology behind it.  Don’t ask me to explain the math formulas, those were over my head, lol.

I almost fell on the floor, lol.  This was the first time someone told me to eat more.  At first, I laughed.  Eat more.  This is a first.  I’ve been told to not eat, or eat less, or eat something better ever since I was a child.

Then it hit me again that I really do have a disease.  It’s not just addiction to food, but I have gained a twisted way of thinking.  My understanding of nutrition has been warped by years of dieting and crash dieting.  I was still stuck in a “starve myself to lose weight” mentality.  I was treating this like a diet, not a way of life.

So, as the shock factor wears off, I am ready to take this professional opinion and make a go of it and eat what she suggests.  We’ll see how the next two weeks go.

And after all this, I still can’t help but wonder – how many calories a day did I eat when I was binging? 

I don’t even want to know.

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