The Black Hole

I have just gone through my fourth black hole, as I like to refer to them.  Times where I am so into beating myself up, getting to into my head, and eating horribly that I oftentimes think there is no end to the darkness.

I’m always wrong. I always see some light… it usually comes in the revalation of what I am doing that is not healthy… the light is something I haven’t seen before. It’s new.  I don’t hear the voice yet… the voices I hear are still those of family telling me bad things, giving unsolicited negative comments, or telling me to pull it together and not feel what I’m feeling because it’s simply not acceptable to feel or show emotions.

The thing I like is that my black holes (sort of like tunnels) are getting shorter and shorter in length and time.  I am at my worst – binging, negative thinking, self-destructive behaviors. But, there is always an end. An out.  Relief.

The relief is becoming longer and longer. The tunnels – shorter and shorter.

I always thought I was so wierd to be going through this and realized only this past week that this is totally normal.  Many compulsive overeaters and addicts go through this very same thing, over and over… until the black holes (“tunnels”) are almost as short as the relief – – and from that point onward – relief comes on a daily basis.

I am so happy to have the fellowship of my friends who struggle like I do.  I’m new at program, and many times, feel I cannot do it alone.  The only thing that gets me through is knowing that they have walked the path long before me, can guide me, and have been successful.

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You crave, I crave

A fellow OA was talking about wanting to eat a specific non-abstinent food.  Luckily, my fellow OA went home and didn’t have the binge, but rather ate abstinently.  However, an hour or two later, I was craving that very same food the person mentioned and it’s not even something I would normally crave.

I was up all night thinking about that food item and how badly I wanted it.  My disease was working hard to convince me that I wanted it, could get it at a specific 24 hour grocery store, would love it, and above all deserved it.  I tossed and turned in the warm humid night trying to make the images and food voice go away, but they didn’t.

I got up at 4 am.  I’d had enough.  I made some coffee and sat, listening to what I recalled as the first nocturnal buzzing sound of either frogs or bugs.  I can’t say I was meditating, but I was relaxed and it was only after a good half an hour that the food thoughts left me.  I’m not sure if it was the coffee, the sitting, or both, but thank goodness.

It freaked me out how one person’s momentary craving could transfer onto me and how subconsciously ready I was to claim it as my own.  I think this person could have said they were really in the mood for some chocolate covered worms and I would have craved them too.  Funny, lol.  But, also not funny.

I’m trying to make sense of this, but am also trying to not think too hard about it.  I feel like I’ve been thinking too much and have been too “in my head” for the last week while trying to eat abstinently.

My emotions are twenty times more intense and I’m not quite sure what to do with them since I can’t grab food.  Reading program literature has been sucking me in deeper (perhaps this is good) and other types of diversions (cleaning, casual reading, trying to take a nap, etc.) don’t really pull me out of my head.

Hopefully things will get easier as I gain more abstinence under my belt.

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Eat More?

As recommended by OA and in line with OA tradition, I went to see a nutritionist today.  I wanted to get a professional opinion on what the food plan I created for myself should look like.  I wondered how far off I was from what I should be doing, after all I compiled my food plan from a variety of sources, plans, and my own thought of what nutrition was.

Well, was I way off.  The nutritionist brought me from 1,400/cal/day to 2,100/cal/day.  She explained to me in detail how she derived this number which was personalized for my exact weight, height, age, fat percentage, basal metabolic rate, etc.  I finally had an understanding of the physiology behind it.  Don’t ask me to explain the math formulas, those were over my head, lol.

I almost fell on the floor, lol.  This was the first time someone told me to eat more.  At first, I laughed.  Eat more.  This is a first.  I’ve been told to not eat, or eat less, or eat something better ever since I was a child.

Then it hit me again that I really do have a disease.  It’s not just addiction to food, but I have gained a twisted way of thinking.  My understanding of nutrition has been warped by years of dieting and crash dieting.  I was still stuck in a “starve myself to lose weight” mentality.  I was treating this like a diet, not a way of life.

So, as the shock factor wears off, I am ready to take this professional opinion and make a go of it and eat what she suggests.  We’ll see how the next two weeks go.

And after all this, I still can’t help but wonder – how many calories a day did I eat when I was binging? 

I don’t even want to know.

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