A fellow OA was talking about wanting to eat a specific non-abstinent food. Luckily, my fellow OA went home and didn’t have the binge, but rather ate abstinently. However, an hour or two later, I was craving that very same food the person mentioned and it’s not even something I would normally crave.
I was up all night thinking about that food item and how badly I wanted it. My disease was working hard to convince me that I wanted it, could get it at a specific 24 hour grocery store, would love it, and above all deserved it. I tossed and turned in the warm humid night trying to make the images and food voice go away, but they didn’t.
I got up at 4 am. I’d had enough. I made some coffee and sat, listening to what I recalled as the first nocturnal buzzing sound of either frogs or bugs. I can’t say I was meditating, but I was relaxed and it was only after a good half an hour that the food thoughts left me. I’m not sure if it was the coffee, the sitting, or both, but thank goodness.
It freaked me out how one person’s momentary craving could transfer onto me and how subconsciously ready I was to claim it as my own. I think this person could have said they were really in the mood for some chocolate covered worms and I would have craved them too. Funny, lol. But, also not funny.
I’m trying to make sense of this, but am also trying to not think too hard about it. I feel like I’ve been thinking too much and have been too “in my head” for the last week while trying to eat abstinently.
My emotions are twenty times more intense and I’m not quite sure what to do with them since I can’t grab food. Reading program literature has been sucking me in deeper (perhaps this is good) and other types of diversions (cleaning, casual reading, trying to take a nap, etc.) don’t really pull me out of my head.
Hopefully things will get easier as I gain more abstinence under my belt.
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