That Out of Control Feeling

Wow… last night was rough.  I had some stressors during the day that were slowly bringing me down… I heard from an old friend who has the life I wish I had (husband, baby, etc.), I was stressing over the current relationship I’m in, I spoke on the phone to a relative and it was really awkward.

Add one glass of wine, which was an attempt to relax and wham.  The food started calling me and I wanted so much to pick up the phone and order delivery.

I struggled with trying not to order the food for a good three or so hours and couldn’t move past it.  Yet, I didn’t want to blow it. What a confusing place to be – – to want something and not want something so bad at the very same time.

Thank goodness a friend answered my call and helped me work through it because I couldn’t do it myself at that point and would be beating myself up about it all day today if I had placed the order and binged.

It was so hard for me to call my friend.  I’m typically not someone who reaches out when I need help or shares tough moments easily. But, I did make the call and the friend helped me.  I guess I am making some progress after all.

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Putting 13,507 Days Behind Me

From what I figure, I’ve spent approximately 13,507 days compulsively overeating.  I’ve never thought of it in terms of days like this, but perhaps that’s because I am in my 17th day of abstinence, so numbers seem very important and relative right now.

I find it so oddly comforting to now meaure my life in minutes and hours, taking it one day at a time rather than in relation to “tomorrow” or “next Monday” which were the times I promised to stop overeating and binging.

Everything is so foreign to me now, so uncomfortable.  I’m a three ring circus of emotion. Happiness and enlightenment coupled with regret for every bad food or life choice that I’ve made, fear of failure, anger at not being able to eat like normal people do, sadness at saying goodbye to my binges and trigger foods.

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