The Black Hole

I have just gone through my fourth black hole, as I like to refer to them.  Times where I am so into beating myself up, getting to into my head, and eating horribly that I oftentimes think there is no end to the darkness.

I’m always wrong. I always see some light… it usually comes in the revalation of what I am doing that is not healthy… the light is something I haven’t seen before. It’s new.  I don’t hear the voice yet… the voices I hear are still those of family telling me bad things, giving unsolicited negative comments, or telling me to pull it together and not feel what I’m feeling because it’s simply not acceptable to feel or show emotions.

The thing I like is that my black holes (sort of like tunnels) are getting shorter and shorter in length and time.  I am at my worst – binging, negative thinking, self-destructive behaviors. But, there is always an end. An out.  Relief.

The relief is becoming longer and longer. The tunnels – shorter and shorter.

I always thought I was so wierd to be going through this and realized only this past week that this is totally normal.  Many compulsive overeaters and addicts go through this very same thing, over and over… until the black holes (“tunnels”) are almost as short as the relief – – and from that point onward – relief comes on a daily basis.

I am so happy to have the fellowship of my friends who struggle like I do.  I’m new at program, and many times, feel I cannot do it alone.  The only thing that gets me through is knowing that they have walked the path long before me, can guide me, and have been successful.

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Learning to Let Go

I mentioned to a friend how good I am at beating myself up emotionally and how bad I am at letting things go.

I can hold onto all sorts of things and continue to revisit them over and over and over.  Anything really.  My weight.  My relationships.  What I ate.  The quantity I ate.  What I may have said to someone.  My fear of the unknown.  My past.  My fear of sharing my thoughts and feelings with others.  My weaknesses.  Sometimes even my strengths.  The list can go on and on.

This friend mentioned that she has a “God Box” and it helps her give things over to God and release them.  She explained that a God Box is a box where I can take whatever is bothering me, write it on a slip of paper, and place it in the box.  The purpose is to give the item over to God to handle from that point onward.

The idea was intriguing to me so I went online to learn more and to see if others use a God Box.  The webpage that I liked the most, because it didn’t get to religious but was more spiritual, was http://www.teras-wish.com/godbox.htm.

So, I’ve decided that over the next day or two (depending on when I can find the box and decor that I want to work with) I am going to create my God Box.

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My Food History

My sponsor asked me to write about “my history with food,” however it might come out, freestyle.  So, I journaled for about an hour, writing six or so pages.

It was truly enlightening.  I realized that my use of food as love and as a numbing agent was learned at a very young age (probably when I was 5 or 6) when my mother began baking treats to compensate for both the traumatic family event we were going through and to compensate for the time we spent separated. 

According to some of my memories, a year or so later I began sneaking food.  Imagine that, sneaking food at night while in Elementary School!

I can remember having actual hardcore binges while in Middle School.  From early Middle School onward, I packed on the pounds. Forget about when I got my own car – that was when eating fast food on the sly became a daily habit.

Not even gastric bypass could save me from the vicious cycle I was on.  Since having surgery many years ago, I’ve gained back almost all of the weight that I lost.  I regret ever having that surgery.  Not only am I left with ongoing health problems directly related to the surgery, but I am angry at myself for now realizing how pointless gastric bypass is because it never addressed my relationship with food or my emotional eating.

For the majority of my life, I’ve been grabbing something to eat to make myself feel better or numb out (mask) what I am beginning to feel.  I’m not sure how to handle my feelings without food, and believe me, when abstinent the feelings feel twenty times stronger.

I think I’ll begin making a list of things that I can do or techniques that I can use as an alternative to eating in emotional moments.  This might sound weird, but I think making this list is going to be harder than I think.

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