I have just gone through my fourth black hole, as I like to refer to them. Times where I am so into beating myself up, getting to into my head, and eating horribly that I oftentimes think there is no end to the darkness.
I’m always wrong. I always see some light… it usually comes in the revalation of what I am doing that is not healthy… the light is something I haven’t seen before. It’s new. I don’t hear the voice yet… the voices I hear are still those of family telling me bad things, giving unsolicited negative comments, or telling me to pull it together and not feel what I’m feeling because it’s simply not acceptable to feel or show emotions.
The thing I like is that my black holes (sort of like tunnels) are getting shorter and shorter in length and time. I am at my worst – binging, negative thinking, self-destructive behaviors. But, there is always an end. An out. Relief.
The relief is becoming longer and longer. The tunnels – shorter and shorter.
I always thought I was so wierd to be going through this and realized only this past week that this is totally normal. Many compulsive overeaters and addicts go through this very same thing, over and over… until the black holes (“tunnels”) are almost as short as the relief – – and from that point onward – relief comes on a daily basis.
I am so happy to have the fellowship of my friends who struggle like I do. I’m new at program, and many times, feel I cannot do it alone. The only thing that gets me through is knowing that they have walked the path long before me, can guide me, and have been successful.
Figuring Me Out 